I thoroughly amazed my teenage son the other day with my insight, which is a worthwhile experience by itself. I could cherish it for a moment, but between you and me, it really wasn’t that difficult.

It was a typical, mid-week evening in our home when the television remote happened to settle on a channel with some sort of action: victims had been horribly mutilated, and their bodies were buried in an unusual, reoccurring pattern. Less than a minute’s viewing was enough for me to predict the show’s conclusion.

“Watch,” I said to my son. “The detectives will go through all kinds of scenarios in order to find the culprit only to realize at the end that he is a deranged psychopath who could not control himself. They will figure it out, but it will be too late to keep him from killing himself.” My son’s face showed unbelief. “How could you know that?” I simply encouraged him to test my prediction. And, to his amazement, the show followed it to the letter.

There may be some future benefit in letting my son go on believing that his father has such rich, deep insight. However, I am sure the reader already knows my secret. Hollywood refuses to let go of its reliable crutch of “Stereotyping.”

Old habits are hard to break, but that can be no excuse for maintaining old habits, especially if they are wrong. We may nurse bad habits along simply because we have not tried replacing them with something positive.

Habits of stereotyping must be examined, especially when they fly in the face of scientific evidence. The National Association of Mental Illness (NAMI) issued a rebuff of the entertainment industry’s showing “persons with brain disorders as being prone to violence,” renaming these depictions more accurately as “hurtful stereotypes.” NAMI then corrects the record. “The truth is that persons with brain disorders are more often the victims of violence” (www.mental-health-today.com/stigma). P

erhaps the larger problem lies in the recognition that, at least in this instance, the writers are simply reflecting a widely held societal belief. A recent survey by the National Mental Health Association, regarding people’s understandings of the causes for mental illness, reveals a stronghold of incorrect beliefs. Seventy-one percent of those surveyed hold that mental illness is caused by some “emotional weakness;” 65% blame it on bad parenting, and 43% believe the individual caused the illness him or herself (www.dupagehealth.org).

The website for the National Mental Health Awareness Campaign states that “our society tends to not give the same acceptance to brain disorders as we do to other organ disorders, say, heart trouble. The stigma surrounding these misunderstandings can limit opportunities, it can stand in the way of a new job, it can increase feelings of loneliness, and it can cause many other unfortunate outcomes.”

Lori Spears, a Substance Abuse Counselor for Community Counseling Services, reported she still hears others make the off-hand remark that “the people who come here are crazy.” Spears explained how people can fear “that once they come in and get treatment, they will be labeled forever.” She described how this reaction to a stigma of receiving mental health treatment can lead some “not to realize how severe it is because they have hidden it for so long.”

Spears then countered with her experience. “We see it every day. People get the tools and the skills they need, and then they move on.” She added that this community must recognize the need for mental health and substance abuse services with their recent passage of the ADAMH levy. Yet, even at this point, we will not have put away the stereotyping of persons with mental illness until we replace misinformation with the truth, and with positive action. Realizing that most mental illnesses, just like most physical illnesses, can be remedied with proper treatment, we can begin by making others aware of the harmful stereotypes, and we can encourage those needing help to access available resources.

“If you know someone that seems extremely upset, maybe someone who displays extreme mood changes, or maybe even you, yourself, feel emotionally out of place at times, the time is now to act, help, assist, notify, inform and get better” (www.nostigma.org/stigma). Only with positive actions such as these can we hope to put away the stigma.

There was that tenth-grader who always fell asleep in class; another student’s performance was never consistent. One classmate always seemed depressed and would keep to herself. To the other extreme, a few students were stubbornly defiant and verbally abusive to any who opposed them.

As we share the good and not-so-good memories of public education, we tend to cling to the highlights: our favorite teacher, the homecoming dance, or our basketball team’s performance. It is quite ordinary, then, that we might not immediately recall many of the other students and their behaviors.

Perhaps they were not part of our immediate circle. Yet, even if they were, we saw only a part of their lives, like the lab partner who was often late in arriving to school, and would often miss school or other programming. Of course, taken individually, each of these cases could have some logical and benign explanation. Perhaps we could even see ourselves somewhere in the previous list and chalk it up to the processes of adolescence. However, there may have been more to the story than what appeared.

One possibility is suggested by the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) which has determined that “one in five adult Americans lived with an alcoholic while growing up.” The AACAP then defines the behaviors of the child of an alcoholic:

• Failure in school or truancy
• Lack of friends; withdrawal from classmates 
• Delinquent behavior, such as stealing or violence
• Frequent physical complaints, such as headaches or stomachaches
• Abuse of drugs or alcohol
• Aggression towards other children
• Risk taking behaviors
• Depression or suicidal thoughts or behavior

The American Psychological Association states that “more than 50% of Americans have at least one close relative with a drinking problem (APA, Understanding Alcohol Use Disorders and Their Treatment, 2001). So, this problem would seem to be affecting many of us.

Typically, a person with alcohol dependence would experience any of the following symptoms: a strong urge for a drink; an increasing need for greater amounts of alcohol, being unable to stop once beginning to drink, and the symptoms of withdrawal, “such as upset stomach, sweating, shakiness and anxiety after stopping drinking.” The inheritance received by the children of alcoholics is “a greater risk for having emotional problems,” and a forty percent greater chance of becoming an alcoholic as well. In many cases, the children of alcoholics will also suffer from neglect or abuse (Understanding Childhood Mental Illnesses, Children Of Alcoholics, No. 17).

Too often, the result is a child who blames himself for the family’s problems, and who will persistently worry about those in the home. The child would tend not to invite any friends over, feel lonely, angry or helpless. These factors would also contribute to the child’s lack of trust in anyone.

Elizabeth Beeman, a Substance Abuse Counselor for Community Counseling Services in Bucyrus, notes that children of alcoholics typically assume roles, such as:

• The Hero Child, usually the oldest, becomes an over-achiever excelling in areas such as sports while trying to “represent the family’s success.”

• The Mascot will be cute or funny, using humor to ease stress in the family.

• The Scapegoat is usually in trouble and is often blamed as the cause for the drinking. This child will often become delinquent, or face teenage pregnancy.

• The Lost Child is isolated and lost in the family’s chaos as “one less child to worry about.” However, despite the predictions these kids face, the NIAAA can show that a number of children are able to choose a different path. “The risk is higher but it does not have to happen” (National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, pubs.niaaa.nih.gov). The Institute then suggests three steps in protecting our children, and to work against alcoholic tendencies:

• Avoid underage drinking–which is illegal, and contributes to a greater risk for alcoholism later on in life.

• Drink moderately as an adult–Although this may be harder for people with alcoholic parents, continually moving the boundaries further back is like making a date with destiny. “Once a person moves from moderate to heavier drinking, the risks of social problems (for example, drinking and driving, violence, and trauma) and medical problems…increase greatly.”

• Talk to a health care professional–A doctor or counselor can recommend groups and organizations that can help a person avoid the problems that accompany alcohol. They might also be able to assess current drinking habits and determine any problems. Several area agencies are available for help and advice to Crawford County residents. Community Counseling Services can be reached at (419) 562-2000 during business hours. They can connect anyone to a number of helpful groups or counselors. Residents can also call CONTACT Crawford County, (419) 562-9010, (419) 468-9081, or (800) 755-9010.

The reader might remember the Flip Wilson line from years past, “The devil made me do it!” His character, “Geraldine,” never accepted the blame, but the viewer always knew better.

We might see a similar approach toward responsibility in our own children. Something is broken; someone was out too late; some chore is not completed, and, when confronted, the son or daughter- -without hesitation- -will remark, “Not my fault.”

We could apply the same response to our difficult-to-break habits, such as smoking. Regardless of the ever-increasing efforts to help smokers stop, we still see many unable to quit smoking. We know that quitting is possible, at least for some, because we know some who have. There are also those who seem able to stop any habit as easily as they began — which is, of course, entirely unfair to the rest of us. However, a person who has experienced little difficulty in breaking a nicotine addiction may have, instead, greater problems with alcohol, or drugs.

Certainly, we should factor in the responsibility of a person’s initial choice, whether it was the first cigarette, the first drink, or the first “hit.” Some part in making that ill-fated decision may also involve family history and peer groups. Perhaps, as well, it was just a poor exercise of judgment. Nevertheless, people exist among us who are now faced with an out-of-control urge —a non-negotiable drive— for a substance that will appease their immediate desires.

Lined up against that person who is struggling to break a habit may be his own Nervous System. As scientists have been busily unlocking the mystery behind the operations of our minds, they can observe the interactions between nerve cells. As a result, they are beginning to understand how the Nervous System works, and how substance abuse interferes in its activities. Nerve cells run trails throughout our bodies in order to connect each organ and muscle back to the brain- -the command center.

The nerves, however, do not actually touch each other. When a message is transmitted from the brain, through the nerves, it is sent as an electric charge to the muscles. However, as this charge is relayed from one nerve cell to the next, the message must be converted, from electric to chemical, in order to cross the minute space between the nerve cells. It is in this space between the nerve cells that alcohol and other drugs can interfere in transmitting the message, which can happen at any stage in the Nervous System’s process. Examples can be found in “certain drugs and substances such as caffeine, alcohol, nicotine, NutraSweet, antidepressants, and some cholesterol lowering medications.” These ingredients can reduce the levels of transmitting chemicals in our bodies, which also keeps messages from being relayed (“Depression and Serotonin: What's the Connection?” www.integrativepsychiatry.net).

Outside substances can also play the imposter and assume the needed chemical’s place in the neighboring cell’s receptors. Ultimately, this action will either make the muscles unable to respond, or to respond in the wrong manner. A habit is then developed when the paths between nerve cells become redirected and established. It must be recognized, then, that substance abuse can have serious consequences.

For instance, as reported in “Serotonin and Judgment” by the Society for Neuroscience, serotonin is the key to controlling our emotions and measuring our judgments. Therefore, when an outside chemical is interfering with the normal levels of serotonin, it “can lead to an underlying inability to handle powerful feelings, which can result in impulsive acts, aggressive behaviors and suicidal tendencies” (April 1997 Brain Briefings, www.sfn.org).

Granted, there are a number of outside stressors that constantly affect our chemical make-up as well; prolonged stress, hormone changes, a poor diet, and even a lack of sunlight can each impact our Nerve Cells (“Depression and Serotonin”). However, a quick inventory of the outside substances allowed into our bodies might help us better understand why we behave the way we do.

Obviously, not all consequences can be erased, and the regret of an earlier choice should be seen only for what it is- -a first step. However, taking that emotion, and building on it to work against that habit, can bring change. Many people find the next steps to be the most difficult. For this reason, a number of groups meet nearby that are committed to helping people break bad habits. A reader may call Community Counseling Services at (419) 562-2000 to connect with their trained counselors. CONTACT Crawford County is also ready to help people through these issues, and can be reached, anytime, at (419) 562-9010, 468-9081, or at (800) 755-9010.

[9:00 AM]  The step-mother shrugs as she is backing out of my office, apparently resigning her duties for the hour to me, the child’s counselor.

             Briefly observing the girl for a moment to gauge her status; I notice that the eleven-year old, slumped down in her seat, will not return my look.   I can’t recognize if she has any more bandages over her wrists, hands or neck since last week.  She might be cutting herself in the same places.  Or, she may have finally found a better way to vent her anger.

_______       

[1:30 PM]  I wonder if this is becoming a pointless exercise.  Every time the mother leaves her five year-old daughter with me, the girl simply throws a fit- -just like this!  They must hear her crying throughout the whole building.  And there’s her mom, coming back and bawling as well. 

We need to find a different way to meet, but she has become so insecure since her parents divorced.

_______

[4:00 PM]  I watch him looking at the book titles on my shelf.  Perhaps he is gaining interest in child psychology.  He certainly is getting the first-hand experience.  However, I notice that his gaze is fixed only on the picture of my son.

            “Yours?” he asks.

            When I answer in the affirmative, he turns to me only to say, “So how long you keeping him?”

_______

These three examples from a counselors’ day allow the reader to view some effects of divorces when the separations are not being handled well for the children. 

While it is commonly held that about one-half of all marriages are ending in divorce, the less familiar number would be how many children are being affected.  Newsweek stated recently that as many as 1 million American children each year experience their parents’ divorce.  Moreover, “these children are twice as likely as their peers to get divorced themselves and more likely to have mental health problems” (April 21, 2008, pp. 48,49).

            Measuring the impact more clearly, the National Institute of Mental Health shows, in “Preventive Sessions After Divorce Protect Children into Teens,” that although most children are able to handle the divorce, a quarter of teens have serious difficulties in adapting to the new relationship (www.nimh.nih.gov).  In “Coping with Divorce,” the author directs parents to realize that, “Your attitude shapes your children’s attitude.”  The parents “words and actions” strongly shape a child’s development through the period of trauma related to the divorce (www.helpguide.org/mental/children_divorce).

            The start of a solution for the children of divorce may best be found in the response of Barbara Cochran, a counselor of Community Counseling Services. “Parents don’t divorce their children.” she asserts. 

For example, parents may mistakenly associate their children with the failed marriage.  In cases like these, the father or mother are only building walls that make relationships with their children difficult, or perhaps even impossible.  Cochran explains, “I tell the parents that if they still have issues with each other, try to keep the children out of it.”

            In a divorce, the connections between the adults are radically changed, from a marital relationship, to a parenting-partner relationship.  Therefore, the lines of communication must also change.  No longer should the couple talk about old disagreements and problems between them.  Exchanges like these are based on what went wrong in their marriage.  After the divorce, their conversations need to be focused on their children.  Each parent talks with his or her children, and either parent can talk with the other parent, but only about matters pertaining specifically to the children and their care.  There must be cooperation for the sake of the children.

Cochran described children responding to conflict in their parents’ divorce in very different manners.  Some act out with delinquent or violent behavior and an uncontrolled anger; others simply isolate themselves and fall into depression, substance abuse or frequent headaches, accidents or injuries.  She also showed how children in homes of great conflict do not interact well with others, or have trouble with school.  “The bottom line,” Cochran says, “is that children need both parents.”

“All children experience problems in adjusting to divorce.  Many children fear being abandoned or replaced, guilty that they are somehow responsible, and very anxious about what is going to happen,” she adds.

Children of divorce need someone with whom they can talk, and that may not be their parents.  From the children’s point of view, they may avoid sharing everything with their parents simply because they do not want to add to the parents’ problems. 

Nevertheless, “one of the most powerful tips is to set aside 10 to 15 minutes a day for each of your children,” since a primary cause for behavioral problems is the lack of communication between the parents and their children (Parents Are Forever, 30).

Community Counseling Services is a United Way agency, operating with the support of the ADAMH Board of Crawford and Marion counties.